Joke of the Unspecified time period

Virus warning found in Compuserve's forums.

The Goodtimes Email Virus

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One's white, thin, and harmful to childern and the other carries your groceries.

From : Drumer07

One Christmas morning, a boy was riding his shiny new bicycle around. He was waiting at a stoplight when a police officer on horseback rode up next to him. The officer said "Hey kid, that's a nice looking bike. Did Santa bring that to you?" The boy proudly said, "He sure did!" The officer then said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike" and he proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicyle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off, he said "Hey officer...that's a nice looking horse you've got there, did Santa bring that for you." Humoring the boy, he replied, "He sure did." The boy replied, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top!"

From : Unidoll

This lady is cooking stew for her husband and 3 kids one night. She's grabbing this and that spice off the shelf above the stove when she knocks a box of BB's one of her sons had left into the stew. Not knowing how to get them out of the hot stew, she figures they will all sink to the bottom and no one will eat any. Later on, she serves dinner and everything appears ok. A couple hours later, her youngest boy comes running to her shouting, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy I pee'd a BB." "Are you alright? Do you need to go to the doctor?" she asks. "No Mommy, I'm ok. I just wanted to let you know." "Ok, well, let me know if anything else happens." she says, glad that nothing was wrong. Awhile later, her other young son comes running up, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I just pee'd a BB." "Are you ok?" "Ya, I'm fine mom I just wanted to let you know." "Ok, well run along then and let me know if anything else happens." That night, her teenage son comes up to her and says, "Mom, I've got something to tell you, but I don't know how to tell you. It's kind of embarrassing." She looks at him, "Let me guess, you pee'd a BB." "Well, no. I was jacking off and I shot the cat."

Here's a cold war joke from a Romanian guy I work with.

There's this guy who works in a bicycle factory. One day he tells a friend of his ,"You know, I need a new bike and I was thinking, I should bring one piece home from work every day. Once I have all the pieces, I'll put it together." A couple weeks later, the two run into each other. The friend asks, "So, how's the bicycle coming?" "Not very good. I've put it together four times and I still get an AK47."

Reminds me of the "baby formula factory" out in the middle of the desert.

If you shoot a deaf guy, do you need a silencer?

This guy goes to Las Vegas. He starts out ok but by the end of his vacation he's lost everything. All he has left is his luggage and his plane ticket home. He leaves the hotel planning on walking to the airport but doesn't know if he'll make the plane on time. When he gets outside there's a lone taxi waiting on the side of the road. He tells the driver what happened and asks, "Can you please drive me to the airport? Just give me your address and I'll mail you the money as soon as I get home." but the driver refuses. "Please, please drive me to the airport I swear I have the money and I'll wire it right when I get off the plane. It's my son's birthday tomorrow and I can't miss it. I'll give you my licence as collateral." "Whatever, I don't have time for this.", says the cabbie and takes off. So, the guy hoofs it down the road, jogging every once in awhile and ends up barely making his plane.

The next year, he goes to Vegas again. This time he has much better luck and comes out several thousand ahead. As he's leaving the hotel he sees a line of taxis. In the last one is the driver that ditched him the year before. He goes to the first taxi and asks "How much to go to the airport?" "$15" says the driver. "How much more for a blowjob?" he then asks. "Get out of here, you fag." relies the driver. The man goes to the next taxi and asks the same two questions. "It's $15" and "No" are the next driver's responses. The guy works his way down the line asking the same questions until he gets to the driver from the year before. "How much to go to the airport?" "It's $15." The man says "Ok" and gets into the car. As they pull out, the man waves to all the other drivers, smiling, and gives them the thumbs up.

A cute dirty joke

A man and his 5 year old son are walking in the park. The boy sees two dogs going at it and gets this worried look on his face. "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing? Are they hurting each other?" The dad isn't sure what to say, so answers the question honestly. "No, they're not fighting. They're making puppies." The boy is kind of confused but accepts the answer. That night, the boy wakes up from a nightmare and hears funny noises in the house. He starts to go to his parent's room then realizes that's where the noises are coming from. Nervously, he opens the door to their room to see his dad bouncing up and down on top of his mom. "Daddy, Daddy, don't hurt Mommy". "It's ok son I'm not hurting her. We're making babies." The boy replies, "Well, turn her over. I want a puppy."

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
 dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes 
 quietly away and doesn't know anything about it 
 until the next morning?

 3) Q: What happened then?
 A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
 you can identify me.'
 Q: Did he kill you?

 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

 6) Were you alone or by yourself.

 7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
 that picture.
 A: That's me.
 Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were
 sworn in?

 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
 A: By death.
 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
 A: I'll be three months on November 8.
 Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was
 August 8?
 A: Yes.
 Q: What were you doing at that time?

 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally
 A: I used to be.
 Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 14) So you were gone until you returned?

 15) Q: She had three children, right?
 A: Yes.
 Q: How many were boys?
 A: None.
 Q: Were there girls?

 16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
 it looked like, but can you describe it?

 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
 A: Not yet.

 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
 unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself 
 and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next 

 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
 examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose 
 A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about
 8:30 p.m.
 Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
 A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the
 table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Proof of the non-existence of Santa Claus

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Please do not tell your kids about this as they will inevitably shoot holes in these calculations and make a fool out of you.

Learning English

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klearup konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitshis, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

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© 2000 Chris Mallabon